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tonight's episode of the simpsons is season 27 episode 15. i'm just posting this because the way it relates to my life right now, specifically this week, in its entirety (sub-plots and all) is bizarre and amazing.

the simpsons does this a lot, in particular with lisa-centered episodes. it's why i have a big ol' lisa-simpson-in-a-peter-max-dreamscape sleeve cap on my shoulder. pop culture tattoos are weird.

i don't post here very much right now, so there ya go.
things are good. life without meds is different and the same. i'm still learning with how to deal with mood swings, and lately i've been fending off a familiar, creeping depression. that said, i feel like being on medication for several years left me with the tools with manage. at least the tools to manage a little better, anyway. at no point since i've stopped taking my lithium/celexa cocktail have i felt desperate. desperation is a driving force, i think, for most people; and it makes people do things that they wouldn't normally do.

but i guess, when you're bipolar, "normal" is subjective, and depends on the time of year.

it's generally okay, though. i learning to do real grown-up things, like balance a budget and eat sometimes. i've held down this car payment for six months now, which is more than i can say for any car payment ever. at no point have i randomly quit my job and moved out of state. i am a repeat offender with this, and it seems to run in the family. i don't like granbury, but at least i'm not far from family and friends.

but i guess, when you used to live across the country, "far" is subjective, and it depends on which friends and family.

on another note, everyone i know who is not rooted in texas or the deep south right now is moving up to the pacific northwest. i don't know if i've complained about/mentioned that before. i'm not going to go back and look. i swear to god, there's this pattern in my life where i get really into something and everyone ignores it or thinks it's dumb and then i'll give up on it. and then two years later - ALWAYS two years - everyone's really into it. it's like a thing for me now.
sorry i embarrassed you when i was drunk. it's weird, because i actually did a dry run of the stunt beforehand. alone and sober. this was to make sure it worked, so that i would not embarrass myself when i was drunk.

i didn't embarrass myself, but apparently i embarrassed you. so sorry about that.
i bought a car. the urgency with which i needed to buy it was lame, but it's newish, and has a/c. i've never had a car with a/c before.

it's mostly weird because all of my adult life, i've lived in cities. i can't just not have a car right now 'cause i drive 40 miles of country road to work every day. no buses or trains.

matt and i sort of talked about The Future the other day. that's sort of a big deal. the past and the future are not typical topics of conversations for us. i think this is more because of me than because of him.

he has a new job, which is next door to a water park. i hate water parks, and he knows this, but he said the other day that we should go there. i wasn't that into the idea, but the more i think about it, the more i remember that the last time i went to a water park was 11 years ago, when i was 20. i hated water parks then, too. but i had a HUGE crush on this hipster kid, and he invited me to go. so i pretended that i liked the idea and went, so that i could at least try to be cool and vaguely impress this guy. it's the same guy now as it was 11 years ago, just with considerably more chest hair and no black hair dye. so maybe we'll go sometime.
geez man things keep piling up. it's gotta end sometime, right? where is all this even coming from?

i'm thankful that, when things get really bad, i have a partner to work with. matt and i have been through some shit over the last 12 years that we've known each other - 10 of them as roommates and 8 of those as a couple. i'm glad that, when things aren't working out for one of us, the other is okay with stepping in and evening things out. lots of times, when people meet me and matt, they point out that we're total opposites. but it works. where i mostly lack any sense of direction or general responsibility, matt's good with that part. i'm great for flash-in-the-pan, last-minute escapes and stupid luck. matt encourages me to be less of a free-wheeler when needed, and i encourage him to take risks, because srsly are you gonna die at the end? either way, we have each other's backs. there's almost nothing we haven't been through together at this point.

except kids. yick.

i'd be cool if we had some beer around the house. all we have is this blue alcohol that a friend left, and i'm not sure if i'm ready to stoop to that level yet.
i had a really long entry here about my explorer. like, the SUV. it exploded on the side of highway 377 last weekend. it's not a cool story, or a funny story. people keep telling me that it is, but it's not. it's a sad story. i always was the one to do the work on that thing and the ONE time i take her to a mechanic...

it just sucks to pour yourself into something that's really just a material possession, only to watch someone else's mistake steal it from you. it's difficult that i feel that way about a vehicle. it's difficult to grapple with the word "mistake" and be angry, but not have anything to do with that anger. my truck burned, but i am alive, despite a sudden problem that could have easily killed me, had i not been in some very specific circumstances at the moment that my truck died. why do i still feel jilted?

existential questions.

i dunno. june has been a rough month. it was rocky BEFORE i helplessly watched my truck burn to the hull on the side of the road. that was really just the cherry on top. i even told the mechanic, who picked me up on the side of the road, "I might be yelling, but to be honest, this is almost fitting. And I just don't want to."

i feel worn out. it doesn't escape me that my lack of medication probably has something to do with that. but i also feel like 5 years of Comfortably Numb have helped me deal. it sucks, and it's hard, but i feel like i have the tools. i feel like i can face forward.

have you ever read the neverending story book? it's really good. the description of The Nothing is powerful, and goes beyond what the movie can ever portray.

i feel like i'm staring into The Nothing. i don't know what my next move is. it's terrifying. but i know that i'll get through it. it's not going to kill me. i feel endlessly lucky that i have friends and family and matt right there. but that doesn't necessarily make it less scary. just gotta keep going. what choice do i have?
Matt brought up the idea the other night of getting out of Granbury and either moving back to Dallas or just selling our cars and getting a little RV and just going.

I'm fine with either. There's a lot more work in Dallas, and I'm sure I could build up a client base with my freelance work to be able to make money and travel at the same time. He would need a mobile job too, though.

We talked about it, and agreed that something needs to change. We just don't know what, yet. We also agreed that not travelling makes us feel like we're missing out. I like knowing that, if I ever wanted to just go, he'd go with me. That works both ways.

My dad's coming to visit later this week. I haven't seen him since Mardi Gras 2012. I have several days off work to just hang around town and drink with my dad or to go out to Dallas or whatever.

The cemetery's been a really lonely place to work lately. Also, it's copperhead season. Cowboy boots every day.

May. 31st, 2015

things are going, i guess.

i've been off my meds for a minute now. things are good. it's difficult sometimes. a lot of the time. thank god for marijuana.

i have a friend who said she hadn't noticed a difference in me since i haven't been on my meds. i guess i just have a good front, because i feel different all the time. sometimes it's bad, but i've also been painting a lot more. they're awful paintings. they were probably always awful, and i just didn't notice until now. but they're something. i love the smell of fresh paint and the smooth feeling of a brush on canvas. i love using spray paint and getting my hands dirty. i love blasting music in an empty house while i work. the finished product has always meant little to me. it just places so much noise and color around my inner dialogue that it's okay to be inside my own head for a while. it feels healthy.

i've had this entry open for, like, forever and have written probably 5 things here and just ended up deleting them.

so, goodnight.
i've been moving around since i was 19 years old. i love to travel and i get restless after a while, so i've lived most of my adult life several states away from my family. it's a lifestyle that has its rewards and its pitfalls - the main one being the distance from my family. i feel like i miss a lot.

my little brother and his wife randomly moved up here a couple of weeks ago. i'm still wrapping my head around it. it's unbelievable that i can just call up my bro and hang out - this has not happened since i was in my early-to-mid teens, really; with the exception if a short and awkward time in new orleans (where much of my interaction with my own family tends to be short and awkward - what a bizarre chapter of our lives).

it's comforting having so many of those sibling "isms" around with me. we react the same to so many things - tell the same jokes at the same time, etc. we can speak in vague partial sentences to each other and there's no trouble with misunderstanding. we have inside jokes dating back decades. my brothers and i are only a year and a half apart, so we can remember a lot of the same experiences.

i guess i always thought it would be nice to have a family member or a friend out here with me, but i never thought it would actually happen.

every thing is constantly in flux. life is changing to quickly for me to keep up with it.

things are good, though. this past year has been pretty good. i like being 29.
my mom got remarried last weekend. the wedding was small and i was the entire bridal party, as well as ring-bearer and a flower girl of sorts (i was holding some flowers). i'm so thrilled for her and her new husband, jay, who has already been a part of the family for 8 years, so it's not like things have changed that much. it was awesome seeing both of my brothers and relaxing in my hometown for a couple of days with my family. hanging out with my mom is usually pretty relaxing. the home she shares with jay has a good vibe, and i wish i could get out there more. part of the wedding ceremony involved my brothers and me 'giving' my mom away. we decided that we should triple fist-bump above her head. it worked beautifully.

we're going up to the san juan islands tomorrow for memorial day camping. the i-5 bridge over the skagit river collapsed(!) last night. thankfully no one was killed! now there's a big gap in the interstate right before our exit, so we have to find a clever way around that isn't going to be bogged down with memorial day traffic. ferry traffic is going to be pretty bad, too. i'm glad that the dogs are good with road trips! it's our first camping trip of the season and we're taking it in our palace tent. i need to get another smaller tent for backpacking later in the summer. washington state has amazing trails, y'all.

i've been growing a vegetable and herb garden lately. it's very rewarding, especially because i'm able to do it in a one-bedroom apartment in urban seattle. most of it is indoors, which is great 'cause i know everything that those plants have touched before i eat them.