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i had a really long entry here about my explorer. like, the SUV. it exploded on the side of highway 377 last weekend. it's not a cool story, or a funny story. people keep telling me that it is, but it's not. it's a sad story. i always was the one to do the work on that thing and the ONE time i take her to a mechanic...

it just sucks to pour yourself into something that's really just a material possession, only to watch someone else's mistake steal it from you. it's difficult that i feel that way about a vehicle. it's difficult to grapple with the word "mistake" and be angry, but not have anything to do with that anger. my truck burned, but i am alive, despite a sudden problem that could have easily killed me, had i not been in some very specific circumstances at the moment that my truck died. why do i still feel jilted?

existential questions.

i dunno. june has been a rough month. it was rocky BEFORE i helplessly watched my truck burn to the hull on the side of the road. that was really just the cherry on top. i even told the mechanic, who picked me up on the side of the road, "I might be yelling, but to be honest, this is almost fitting. And I just don't want to."

i feel worn out. it doesn't escape me that my lack of medication probably has something to do with that. but i also feel like 5 years of Comfortably Numb have helped me deal. it sucks, and it's hard, but i feel like i have the tools. i feel like i can face forward.

have you ever read the neverending story book? it's really good. the description of The Nothing is powerful, and goes beyond what the movie can ever portray.

i feel like i'm staring into The Nothing. i don't know what my next move is. it's terrifying. but i know that i'll get through it. it's not going to kill me. i feel endlessly lucky that i have friends and family and matt right there. but that doesn't necessarily make it less scary. just gotta keep going. what choice do i have?

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