at one point, several days ago, i had this long entry written up. the internet went away in the middle of it, so i didn't save it. the internet just came back, and i have nothing to say.

OTHER THAN THIS.

i really love one of my classes and it's a real chore to go to the other one.

in the class that i enjoy going to, we're working on 'high contrast' pieces...which really means we're stenciling. we're not really stenciling...more like looking and tracing? i dunno. at any rate, we were given 7 photographs of different celebrities and the task is to basically make a stencil. one of the celebs? groucho marx! this is the picture we were given!



uhm...familiar much? i've used that exact picture for this exact thing before! wtfawesome!



i went with charlie chaplin and marilyn monroe. i finished charlie in about 2 hours, and i'll do marilyn tonight! hurray for easy homework!

school started last night after a week off. why they didn't give us this week off instead of last week, i'll never know, but that's okay.

my classes this term are intro to design and drawing 101. i've been pretty excited about both; partly because value and perspective are my kryptonite, and partly because i get 3 new art books and $400 in new art supplies, which is included in my tuition. this is extremely fortunate because i definitely do not have the money for art supplies right now. i have tons, but they're split up in no less than 3 places across the country right now. i also have a bunch of second-hand supplies that i got for free from some nice lady...but there's just something about the feel and the smell of new pencils. there are so many promises and possibilities with a new sketchbook or a blank piece of bristol.

so i got my books, but the school is out of art kits. this is partly due to the fact that the people who work in the bookstore have no idea what they are doing, and gave a bunch of students the wrong art kit. they're on back order. this wasn't really a problem yesterday in design class, but it was a problem in drawing this evening. plus, i can't do my design homework without that bristol pad. they said they'd be in tomorrow, but they also said that yesterday. being that it is thanksgiving weekend AND i work at a mall (however small...thank christ i'm not at southcenter right now) AND i don't have a car (so getting around is pretty slow), you can bet that there is no way i'm going to be able to get back to school before my next class on monday. i'm pretty pissed about it.

i really like my school, but they're really slow with certain things. for the first five weeks i was in school, i was "not in the system", which meant that i was not able to use the school's computers (school doesn't have wi-fi). i had a huge fucking project to do, and it wasn't until i complained to the school (and not just the librarian, who would "have to email tony" and tell me to come back tomorrow), when it became a real problem, that the situation was resolved.

i guess no system is perfect, but it's kind of irritating when you pay more money than you have ever made in your entire life for this education and this degree. i feel like the school isn't quite holding up its end of the bargain. i wouldn't say i'm unsatisfied (classes are otherwise great), i just feel kind of powerless and irritated.

i guess i'd better inventory my art supplies. i've got a pretty satisfactory stash. i hope i have some bristol somewhere in there.

other than that, i made the president's list at school! they sent me a letter and everything! awesome!

you were in my dream last night, randomly in a sea of soldiers. i recognized you instantly and started to cry because you were safe.

i woke up this morning to news of soldiers killed in afghanistan. that doesn't worry me. then news from iraq. whenever an unnamed solider in iraq is killed, i always get this sick feeling until i find out it's not you. aren't you supposed to be coming home soon?

please please please be okay. get home safe.

matt reapplied for food stamps yesterday! i'm pretty sure i'm not on the bill this time 'cause he needed my social, and i was at work. i'm praying that they come through for us, though. since the state discontinued them, we've literally been starving. my grocery budget per paycheck is about $30, IF i can afford it, and i know the boys aren't much different. i don't even know what i make anymore (omfg if one more person says "just look at your paystub!" i will srsly punch them. sometimes it's not that easy, guys!) in order to adjust my budget these days.

metro is hiking their fares at the beginning of the year! sad! it's going to end up costing me an at least extra $168 a year to ride public trans.

oh man! so our stolen internet has made a triumphant return!

so first thing's first: matt and i took a little trip down to portland on saturday! this trip was a HUGE deal, for about 56 different reasons. the main reasons being that i have NEVER requested an entire weekend off work, it was the LAST weekend i was going to be able to request off before the holidays (and even then, i missed an important meeting), and i only requested the weekend off because matt asked me to (between work and school, i've been working a lot of 14 to 16 hour days and we never see each other!) so that we could hang out.

so you can imagine my dismay when our little trip turned into a business trip for matt (at first anyway - we did end up spending much of the day together). i knew that it sort of was going to, seeing as we were also taking one of matt's coworkers down there for some reason, but i did not expect matt's portland coworkers to be such raging elitist DICKS. after some faulty logic involving Reasons Not to Share with Kristen and multiple failed attempts at friendliness (y'know...introducing one's self...shaking hands, etc.), matt had left my side at the THCF clinic for no more than 90 seconds when i was asked wtf i was even doing there and reminded that it was time for me to leave. i was hella pissed at portland's obnoxious residents AND at matt for associating with them (i realize that they are his coworkers and not his friends, but that did not stop be from being huffy), and ended up wandering around downtown by myself for about 2 hours while matt and his coworker took care of business. stopped at some street market and was accosted by hippies. realized that portland is like one giant marigny, just brimming with squatters and gutterpunks.

i was not able to get joel's phone number before we left, so i was not able to see joel, which was also super sad for me. i haven't seen joel in over 6 years!

we DID stop at matt's coworker's buddy's house and hang out for a little while. we also purchased and drank some delicious wine (tempranillo - a red wine from spain - so delicious and under $20!). we ALSO purchased and ate some delicious donuts from voodoo donuts downtown, where the waitress was extremely frowny. it occured to me then that EVERYONE in portland is extremely frowny. it's like being in fucking ohio, but a lot more hip. the only pleasant people i met were matt's coworker's friends. i guess, though, when you're a hipster, it's pretty fucking uncool to NOT frown (unless you're being smug and/or ironic), especially when not frowned at.

we got back to seattle a little after 2 in the morning. i was super glad to be home. portland's not the worst place i've ever been, but it's definitely not my favorite.

we spent much of the day yesterday just hanging around the house and cleaning. we watched sideways, which reminded me why i'd never watched the movie or bothered finishing the book (omfg so boring).

today is still rainy. so much rain. who thinks it'll snow by thanksgiving?!

speaking of thanksgiving, i think i'm going to make some halibut for me and the boys! omfg halibut is my favorite thing ever these days!

so our stolen internet is gone. good for you, neighbors! bad for you, excluders club! it's been cold and rainy lately, so major suck on that part, too.

things at home have been kind of weird. i don't really want to get into the details of it on the internet, but sometimes, life is really surreal. i just don't like babysitting full-grown adults. especially full-grown adults who WOULD be perfectly capable of taking care of themselves if they would just take care of their shit in the first place. i'll help where i can, but i have to look out for me, too.

on another note, matt and i went to matt's boss's house last night and ate a pasta dinner and drank wine and watched the cowboys beat the eagles! it was so nice to do something outside the house besides work. matt goes and hangs out with his boss fairly regularly, and it kind of makes me ache for a social life, too. i'm really glad that matt's making friends (even happier now that they have faces), but i've found myself getting uncomfortably clingy and jealous sometimes, which grosses me out. i'm assuming that with the start of new art classes, i'll be able to meet new people at school.

SPEAKING OF SCHOOL...i have a ton of homework to do.

i've been meaning to update more, but the internet hasn't been working very well.

i transferred to the mall in federal way. i'm so happy. the store (the whole mall) there is much smaller and less panicky. there is time to clean and restock and stuff, and the clientele seems a lot nicer. despite the fact that federal way is about 30 minutes away, it doesn't take any longer for me to get to and from work because i'm able to take the train, and the federal way transit center is right across the street from the mall. it's nice because it means i spend a LOT less time waiting for the bus, and there are no longer transportation complications after 10:00pm.

i'm way behind on my school work. i think i'm going to walk down to the library today and work on that. i'm also going to go to 'number 7 sub shop', which is across the street. evidently, 'sub shop' was seattle's first sandwich chain. xD i'm assuming that there are at least 6 others.

so i got my schedule for the next term at school, which starts late-november. the thing i really enjoy about my school is how simple they've made everything for me. i didn't have to come up with my own schedule or anything. they did it for me according to my major. plus, it barely changes my availability at work - i'll just be at school on monday and tuesday nights instead of monday and wednesday. awesome! they gave me 'introduction to design' and 'introduction to drawning', so i'm pretty excited.

i'm pretty sure that this is my last week at southcenter mall, which is nice. evidently, the mall in federal way is kind of crappy, but at least it's something new. it'll be a breeze working at such a small store. the manager that hired me is also transferring, along with another really good associate who i'm also buddies with anyway. the management team at southcenter isn't very good at communication and it's been making me crazy lately - especially because it had started to interfere with my sales lead training. i've been getting good hours, though, and i should be on the other side of this financial rough patch by this time next week.

so, to everyone who offered to send me food - it's not that i don't appreciate it, it's just that by the time food got up here, i'd be able to buy more. thank you for your concern, but we're almost there!

aaaaand i have the day off today. hurray! it's all wet and foggy outside, so it's nice to be able to sit around inside and eat cheez-its.

you guys wanna hear a secret? like...something that i keep extremely guarded? i'm going to go ahead and put it out there. whatever.

i hate my job.

there. i said it.

uuuugh i had an anxiety attack last night. sort of. i was able to kind of calm myself down when i started to feel really bad, but it was still super shitty.

i'd been sort of stressed about a number of things, and then i found out from my landlord that willie (whose rent check had bounced this month) still hadn't paid rent. while i can completely understand willie's current financial problems, i can't understand why he didn't just talk to his roommates and let us know what was going on so that maybe we could take care of it and have him owe US money, as opposed to our landlord. the whole thing (we'd been to the grocery store earlier in the evening, which i was still recovering from. i have issues with grocery stores.) kind of sent my body into overdrive. lamesville.

hopefully, today will be better. it's not like i was having a bad day, i just feel like i'm always teetering on the edge of a cliff.

i've been feeling really stressed lately. sometimes, it's hard to catch my breath. it's weird, because i'm trying my best to just go with the flow. i think i'm doing a much better job than i usually do at that, but i sometimes forgot and take my eyes off the horizon. my crazies are getting harder to stifle.

i think i need to go to the doctor! i've been having really regular heart palpitations lately, like a couple times a day, and whenever i lay on my left side. wtf i'm 25 years old!

school tonight! i actually am able to go this time!

oh yeah! i meant to post a couple of seattle issues that have been bothering me lately.

issue #1 - referendum 71.
R-71 was passed in, like, june of 2008. it gives couples in domestic partnerships the same rights as married couples. it's also known as washington's "everything but marriage" law, because that's pretty much what it is. this is a good, progressive thing. however, pretty much as soon as the law passed, a bunch of people started whining because it effected their life so much. oh wait! no it didn't! close-minded conservatives don't hang out with gays and lesbians, much less enter into domestic partnerships with them! what REALLY happened was a bunch of people wanted to enforce their way of living on a bunch of strangers! to the point where R-71 is in jeopardy, and is going to be voted on this month (along with the mayoral vote, city commission vote, etc.). the other day, there were tons of anti-R-71 people hanging around the parking lot at the mall, waving signs around that said "PROTECT MARRIAGE. PROTECT CHILDREN." there was some other mention of protecting marriage on the sign, too, which i found weird...seeing as the law is called the EVERYTHING BUT MARRIAGE LAW. i'm not even going to get into the 'protect children' part, simply because it just flat-out doesn't make any sense. one of my favorite babysitters when i was a kid was a gay guy and all that really happened to me (and my brothers) was we grew up into more tolerant adults. imagine that!

issue #2 - bikini baristas.
for all of my friends in the south, and really every other place i've been - seattle loves coffee. like...loves it. starbucks is from here, for godsake. one of the hip, new fads in coffee...buying...are these shady little drive-thru stands, where you are served your latte by a girl in a bikini. it's kind of like going to hooters, but you don't get out of your car. and you get coffee instead of wings. i don't have a problem with bikini barista stands - it's not really MY thing, but whatever. if you like titties, maybe it's for you.

LATELY, however, locals have been getting really whiny about their local bikini barista stand, and have been trying to classify them as "adult entertainment", because apparently some of these girls will actually flash you their tits for an additional fee.

so put yourself in this barista's shoes.:
you are a 19 year old girl. like many 19 year old girls, you are really starting to discover your potential as a heartbreaker and a homewrecker. on top of that, you're also the kind of girl to work at hooters, instead of chili's or applebees. you just like that kind of attention. blame it on low self-esteem. plus, you really need the money to help pay for school! hooters would not hire you, but cowgirl espresso would! one day, your young, naive, low self-esteem self is hanging around in your bikini with, like, one other girl...in a shed (these 'drive thrus' are really just dolled-up sheds). it's a slow day (ugh...rain) and your tips are suffering. your manager isn't around (remember you're in a shed - there really isn't room for management to hang around. plus, it's a dude...and no one likes that). some guy rolls up, orders a coffee, hands you a fifty, and smiles, winks, calls you pretty, and tells you that you can keep the change if he sees a little nipple. WHAT DO YOU DO?!

while i'm not saying it's right, i feel like the community needs to be going after these individuals and NOT the business that employs them. it's fucking irritating.

omfg i'm so booored....

my manager at BBW today let me know that they're going to start training me this week, which is cool. i'm going to be getting 40 hours a week and a pay raise! i'm so excited and i just can't hide it!

this came at pretty much exactly the right time, too. we've been out of food stamps for several weeks now, and were notified today that we are no longer eligible for food stamps because we make too much money. this doesn't really make any sense 'cause i make considerably less than $900 a month right now, and matt makes about that or less. willie makes an even $1000 with his disability (which they already knew about). i'm not sure where less than $1000 a month is enough for a person (with bills) to live on, but evidently, the state of washington thinks we live THERE, and not in reality, 'cause i'm fucking hungry right now.

we're pushing through, though. we just need to give it a little more time, i guess. november is still 3-paycheck month! best month of the whole year, except maybe february, when i get my tax return.

oh! speaking of tax return, school set me up with a checking account! i probably won't use it that much - just for bills and rent and stuff. that way, i can dump my monthly expenses in there (from the prepaid visa that work pays me with) as soon as i get paid every two weeks and forget about it (until i need to pay bills and/or rent), rather than have to worry about budgeting. i'll just have a bills/rent account (my checking account) and a free-spending account (my prepaid visa card account thingy). does that make sense? does it seem like a good idea? i haven't had a checking account in so long, i don't really even know what to use it for anymore, other than avoiding the 6- to 8-week wait for my tax return check every year.

oooh i have homework tonight. and i still have a UTI. and the contractor hasn't showed back up today to put our shower back together (i could not shower this morning). if he doesn't show up before long, i'm going to reassemble that shit myself. we only have the one shower and don't really have time to wait around for a contractor who might show up later. one day with no shower, alright. two is pushing it, though. there's still a lot of caulking and stuff that also needs to be done around the shower (we were having some serious issues with our shower walls, which were absorbing water and caving in), and i really don't have any problems with cutting this guy out, hiring someone else who will actually show up, and sending my landlord the bill. she's been a great landlord so far, except for the fact that there are multiple plumbing problems with the house and i'm getting pretty friggin' tired of just working around them.

does somebody want to get me some rain boots for christmas? i need some rain boots. evidently, living in seattle without rain boots is like living in texas without cowboy boots, which is perfectly understandishable.

uuuugh i have a UTI. no money for medicine, or food stamps for cranberry juice. FUCKING. AWESOME.

i think i'm going to call in today. even though there's a contractor in my bathroom right now, fixing the shower, so i can't pitch camp in there just yet.

oh yeah! so i got my promotion! the sad/awesome thing is that i will no longer be working at the mall. i'm sad because i'm really comfortable there and i like that it's so busy. it's the highest-volume store in the state, so any place i go is just not going to move as much merchandise. i'm unbelievably happy and relieved, however, that i will no longer be at the biggest fucking mall in the northwest. christ! i'm excited about having new responsibilities, too.

i've been enjoying school. i only have one class right now (i'll get another one in a few weeks), but it's interesting. the class is a core requirement called "cultural diversity", which is basically a class on race relations in america, including science and history, as well as social studies. there's a lot of homework, but it's nice to have something to do when i'm not at work.


uhm, oh yeah. we're watching the thing with two heads right now. THIS network is seriously the greatest channel free tv has ever produced.

okay so school started on monday. it's really weird how fast things keep moving. i feel like i can't look around too much or i'll get dizzy and panic, like watching an imax movie.

the sad news of the week is that, when we moved from renton, we forgot to update some information with social services. because of this, we haven't received our food stamps this month. yet, anyway. we had to fill out some paperwork and we're expecting the money any day now. we've been getting pretty hungry. i forgot how much we still rely on getting food stamps each month. i also forgot how to slowly starve myself. i used to be the champ at this, and could go, like, days and days without eating. but i suppose in those days, i was doing it on purpose, and it was kind of gradual. starving is not fun when you don't mean to do it. in fact, it sucks. i got so hungry the other day that i vomited. how is that even possible?! we finally caved and got some milk and bread, and have actually been eating like kings (relatively, anyway) for the past couple of days, but the milk is going and the bread is gone now. we're even running out of canned vegetables! being broke sucks!

things will hopefully pick up soon, though. november is 3-paycheck month! i love 3-paycheck month!

i had kind of a long entry about school and then work today and then going to taco time, which is a sad northwestern take on taco bell, bueno, and/or cabana. but that is gone now.

just suffice it to say that the day was long and that taco time offers tater tots as a side, as well as thousand island dressing as a dipping sauce. and that their hot sauce tastes like curry.

good night!

bloopbloopbloop.

so i took my tour and interview today for IADT seattle today. i'll be pursuing my BFA in digital media production. the dude who heads up the department was part of the animation crew on for jurassic park. hurray!

so i filled out my FAFSA and signed up for school at the international academy of design and technology in seattle* yesterday. it's just a couple of miles from work! they're pretty much like an art institute, and offer a BA in visual communications (OMFG I THINK I FINALLY PICKED SOMETHING I'M CUT OUT FOR), but they're a lot cheaper than AI! holla!

october is typically the time of year for me (for whatever reason) where my brain completely shorts out and loses the ability to, like, reason. i'm glad i was at least able to do something positive with my compulsive crazies this time. it occurred to me much later in the day that going back to school is kind of a big decision, and i started to majorly second-guess myself (is now really a good time? how am i going to afford it? wtf?), but i think i should go for it anyway. i think i'd really be letting myself down if i didn't at least give it a shot.

i still don't know what's going on with the new job. i saw our district manager this morning, but she most definitely did not remember me. it took her a little while to let me know that she'd forgotten to talk to my manager about our interview. it made my face frown. how the fuck is she going to make any kind of decision if she can't remember me? or maybe that should let me know my answer. i dunno.

i also don't know if going back to school is going to change my management eligibility. i'm not really worried about that part, though.

my tummy is hungry! i miss whattaburger! i also miss rick's whattaburger commercials!



*tukwila

so we still haven't heard back from the district manager on my interview, so i don't know where i stand on that. the whole experience has kind of brought to light a fair amount of inner conflict involving my job. on one hand, it's a good opportunity for me to be making better money and get better hours and have some responsibility (and possibly some challenge) at my job. these are three key aspects that working at the mall is seriously lacking for me. the fact that matt really loves his job and is starting to make friends there makes this feeling for me even worse. it's not that i'm not really happy for matt (i am!), but it makes me sad because it just kind of shows me that i'm really not very happy at my job. i don't know what i'm going to do if i don't get this position because, frankly, i don't care enough to try for it again. i can do my job in my sleep at this point, and if the machine can't see and/or appreciate that, then maybe i'm not in the right place.

on top of that, it's still pretty difficult for me to make friends. it's hard enough for me to get a read on other girls. throw on the fact that the face we all have to put on at work is SO different and SO constant and SO sales-based, and the fact that most of the girls i work with are part-time workers...it all makes having any kind of social life super hard. both times i've connected at all with someone else there, they've left soon thereafter for bigger and better things. i get along pretty well with one of the new associates, but if i get TSL, i'll probably be leaving anyway.

i'm thinking about getting a degree at AI or IADT seattle. it seems like kind of a quick and easy way to get another job that i may or may not find personally rewarding (digital media production or maybe...*shudder*...graphic design), but i want to do something a little more creative or just...better. i dunno.

it's not like i hate or even particularly dislike working for BBW, i just feel like there are a million places that are a better fit for me.